F*ck Love Too Movie Review: A big zero in all departments!

Every so often a title sets the tone for all that is to come. And when your film goes by the name of F*ck Love Too (F*ck de liefde 2), it would be safe to temper one’s expectations. The bar may be rather low, but this romantic comedy Netflix original from the Netherlands nosedives too quickly for comfort. It is a fact worth pondering over as to why such an amateur, puerile and woefully sad attempt at cinema needed two directors and four writers. The film attempts to cash in on the tried-and-tested formula of an average romantic comedy-drama but falls short there too. Its mantra of pushing adequate sand, skin, sex and inane relationship tangles (in order to create a fun summer romance) can only be described as laughable. The primary language employed is Dutch (with a smattering of English thrown in) but it may as well have been stupidity; no subtitles are needed to translate that. Even if one were to ignore the plot for a minute (and I’m out on a limb here), it is the overload of lousy characters that makes the narrative much worse than its premise. F*ck Love Too addresses characters in their mid to late thirties, people thinking about their respective futures. Some maturity is in order, at the very least, or so I thought. What the viewer gets in return is a laundry list of entitled idiots failing to come to terms with the fact that they exited their teenage phase two decades ago.  

Director – Aram van de Rest, Appie Boudellah
Cast – Bo Maerten, Yolanthe Cabau, Victoria Koblenko, Bettina Holwerda, Maurits Delchot, Edwin Jonker, Nienke Plas, Geza Weisz, Dorian Bindels, Anouk Maas 
Streaming On – Netflix 

F*ck Love Too presents a bunch of rich friends as they navigate their discordant personal lives through their 30s. Some are married with children, like talent manager Bo (Yolanthe Cabau) and her husband, Said (Maurits Delchot), while others, such as Kiki (Nienke Plas), are to reluctantly tie the knot not so long from now. The central character, Lisa (Bo Maerten), who partially narrates to us platitudes on love and whatnot via forgettable voiceovers, is at a loose end. Her relationship with Jim (Geza Weisz) has ended; they travelled the world in a blissful haze, but his seemingly directionless life has made her cut the cord. At her elderly relative’s wake, she is reunited with Noah (Dorian Bindels), an acquaintance from her past; an unspoken mutual crush between the two is clearly at play. When Noah (who now works in Ibiza) invites Lisa over for a vacation, it quickly turns into Kiki’s bachelorette party, with Angela (Bettina Holwerda) rounding out the trio. Then there’s Jack (Edwin Jonker), the ladies’ man of the group with a couldn’t-care-less attitude. Not only is he one of Lisa’s exes, but he has also gone so far as to get her once-close friend, Cindy (Victoria Koblenko), pregnant. Now with Cindy, Jack has impregnated another hapless woman by the name of Monica (Anouk Maas). As Lisa points out correctly, “He’s only ever loved one person! Himself.” And that is perhaps the only time she, or anyone else in the story, is right about anything. It’s safe to say that this particular set of friends is terribly incestuous, a modicum of privacy or respect being too much of an ask!

As painful as it is to get through, you can’t help but pose nagging questions to Aram van de Rest, Appie Boudellah and four of the screenwriters. For starters, with the exception of Bo (who works in a talent agency), it is hard to discern how the members of the group earn a living. They live in big houses, dress in snazzy clothes and ship off to exotic locales on a whim, but where is the unlimited funding for such a lifestyle emanating from? Nobody knows, of course, and the woeful writing doesn’t do even the bare minimum to explain things. Jim follows Lisa to Ibiza to win her back (who could see that coming?) and finds the resort she’s staying at without much of a fuss. He’s either planted a GPS chip or his stalker skills are on point, difficult to say, really! Jack is a typical womaniser rattling off charms from the playboy playbook, refusing to show signs of change, and yet, the women in his life get so easily manipulated by the suit-wearing smooth-talker. The film’s god-awful attempts at humour fail to evoke even a half-laugh (Lisa falling into the sea as she tries to kiss Noah on the pier, being one such example). The rare, passable funny moment involves Said and Jack, with the latter providing “advice” to save the former’s marriage. Said and Bo are the only ones trying to alter their lives in some meaningful way, exhibiting borderline maturity in a field of adult-children. Maurits Delchot’s Said and Yolanthe Cabau’s Bo are half-believable characters in F*ck Love Too. And I clutch at straws before saying that!